How to Celebrate Susan's Birthday in 15 Easy Steps

1. Wake up before the sun. Sneak out into cold garage to retrieve gifts from children to Mommy (purchased by Daddy without children in tow, but with children's input beforehand). Tiptoe to craft room downstairs to wrap gifts, and set out greeting card from children to Mommy.

2. Wake children. Make them find a pen and sign the card for Mommy.

3. Tiptoe to kitchen to make Susan breakfast in bed. Cringe as Hillary independently pads off to bedroom to wake Mommy by announcing that she should just stay in bed and await our bringing her breakfast--thus canceling plan to allow Mommy to sleep in on her birthday. Make Hillary, as penance, get newspaper and deliver it to Mommy for in-bed reading while waiting for her breakfast.

4. Set Suzanna and Hillary to making peanut-butter-and-jelly toast. Find them cookie cutters in fun shapes--stars and hearts--to punch out of toast. Put fun shapes on plate for Mommy; leave scraps and crumbs lying about kitchen counter.

5. Help Abigail make two fried eggs "over easy" topped with deli ham and American cheese. Find two more cookie cutters to place in pan and pour eggs into to make one circle-shaped egg and one butterfly-shaped egg.

6. Complete breakfast with orange/pineapple juice and sliced apple. Place items on tray and deliver to bedroom. Serve while singing "Happy Birthday to You." Stand around bed and watch Susan eat, making her feel not unlike animal in zoo. Chastise children when they lean on bed, lest the orange juice should wobble and spill.

7. Bring Mommy pen to solve the sudoku in today's newspaper. Clear her tray and wash dishes from breakfast. Feed children the crusts from Mommy's toast. Slice them additional apples, which they eat dipped in peanut butter. Pour them juice.

8. Bring Mommy presents to open: greeting cards; perfume and lotion set from Daddy; candle, rooster wall art [for dining room wall to match rooster theme in kitchen], and sudoku puzzle book from daughters; frothy coffee and chocolate drink maker from Mommy's friend Erin.

9. Spend leisurely morning at home before taking Susan out to eat at Applebee's. When she and Hillary decide to share choose-your-own-three-course-meal option, do same with Abigail (allow Suzanna her preference of chicken breast sandwich with steamed broccoli from children's menu). Tell server it's Susan's birthday so that she and other wait staff come out at end of meal, deliver ice cream sundae, clap hands rhythmically, and chant their unmelodic version of "Happy Birthday to You."

10. Take Susan shopping. Spend large chunk of afternoon looking for material for a couple sewing projects that she would like to begin. While Susan examines bolts of coordinating fabrics, observe children's gradual descent into disengagement, fatigue, and anguish. Listen to children, lying limp against the shopping cart like taffy in the summer sun, beg to be taken home for naps and, thus, realize the extent and authenticity of their boredom. Move on to more participative shopping: groceries.

11. Drive downtown to explore specialty shops. Start with The Village Gift Shop, a two-story building crammed with expensive and unique arts, crafts, furniture, and dishware. Alternate between pointing out to children this or that curious or beautiful piece and admonishing them about brushing up, with their bulky winter coats, against extraordinarily expensive and fragile vases and lamps. Purchase two 12-inch Santa Claus figures for Susan's growing collection.

12. Be thwarted in effort to patronize other downtown businesses by their seemingly collective choice to be closed to weekend afternoon shopping. Wonder which came first: their choice not to be open decent hours on the weekend when people who work Monday through Friday are actually available to do their shopping, or competition from the mall and the retail chain "super" store that attract shoppers away from downtown.

13. Get Suzanna home in time to go ice skating with a friend. Take Susan and the other girls out for supper at Sanford's Grub & Pub. Acknowledge that we're all still too full from dinner and simply order three appetizers to share (chili cheese fries, mozzarella sticks, and Buffalo boneless chicken wings), knowing what's in store for the free birthday dessert.

14. Sit through yet another clappy, non-sing-y "Happy Birthday" restaurant chant from the wait staff in order to share Susan's ridiculously plentiful and decadent birthday treat (faithful readers may recall what it is, but you may read about it and see pictures of it here).

15. Return home in time to welcome Suzanna back from her skating outing--bruised butt and all from a fall-down on the ice. Gather around a warm television for some family time watching Planet Earth. Drift off into deep coma-like slumbers brought on by awaking too early, shopping too much, and staying up too late, and exacerbated by having too much fun and, perhaps, growing too old.

P.S. No photos with this post. The only pics I snapped were of breakfast and gift opening, both of which involved Susan in her pajamas in bed. 'Nough said. To see what Susan looks like at her new age, see this and then add one year.